Have you ever had the experience of going to the gate only to find it empty of passengers? There's something strange about the way airport communicate with those in search of planes. In theory, there are speakers located at strategic points about each terminal and, no matter where you sit or stand, you will always be able to hear each announcement perfectly. Indeed, when you pay attention, you can always hear calls for other flights. Yet when it comes to your own, there's a strange disconnection as if the message suddenly enters a parallel dimension and fails to reach your ears.

You then find yourself in completely the wrong place and you can't find you where you should be as no-one is around. When you do finally track down where you should be, have you noticed how everyone gets asked to board the plane before you? That means you get to your seat to find the the space in the overhead compartments up and down your aisle has been taken up.

When you are finally in your seat with baggage stowed, you realize you're not yet in the air. You'll be pleased to know there are federal regulations that limit the time you can be held in the plane on the ground. For domestic flights at the larger airports, you have to be offered release after three hours. The airline is also to ensure you have enough to drink and the toilet arrangements are adequate. There are fines for both US and foreign airlines if they leave your international flight on the tarmac for more than four hours. In theory, this makes it more economic for the plane to take off than go back to the terminal.

Let's say you're now in the air. Have you noticed it's difficult to get anything to eat or drink unless you pay? It's well known food has never been great but, in the days before pricing got less than transparent, you used to get one of those trays with something edible on it as a part of the ticket price.  Permission to have a seat on the plane is the only value a ticket has these days for the airlines.

Remember, never ever say anything that could be interpreted as insulting about the airline or any of its staff. Even more important, never joke about terrorism. Indeed, until you get in the air, it's probably safer not to talk to anyone about anything connected with flying. Paranoia is everywhere and, if you're considered a threat to security, an air marshal is likely to arrest you and drag you off the plane to a holding cell.

You would have you own private jet and people around you would bow and scrape as you walked towards your plane whenever you needed it in a perfect world where you had a piece of the American Dream. Until that day dawns, you're in the cheap flights with the rest of us and pathetically grateful because, if you were thinking about using the train as a substitute, it would take you more than fifty hours on the California Zephyr to get from Chicago to San Francisco. No matter how comfortable the train, even a cheap flight may be more convenient.